If the face of a happy camper is what you seek then you will need to search elsewhere, for this frustrated feline has a veritable laundry list of grievances to share with me and her facial expression is making it abundantly clear that I am failing to live up to her expectations.

We begin with the gross deficiencies in my treat selection. This is a cat with exquisite culinary standards and a refined palate who would not degrade herself by deigning to eat a biscuit intended for a slovenly canine. My humble offering of a Milk Bone is met with contemptuous disdain. Likewise with the piece of cheese and the slice of apple from my lunch box. While I do try earnestly to adhere to the philosophy of “be prepared,” the sad fact is that halibut cheeks, tuna filets, chicken pate and catnip are not the sort of dietary contingencies that I am able to plan for.

Her next complaint is with the manner in which I attempt to show affection. My usual repertoire of belly rubs, back scratchies and ear noogies may be perfectly welcomed by a cowering dog, but they are totally unacceptable for use upon one of her superior status. As a mere human I am expected to avert my eyes from her sneering gaze, and while on bended knee to gently stroke the side of her face with the back of my hand until such time as she signals that I am dismissed from my duties by angrily digging her claws into my arm.
And last but not least on her list of complaints is the utter lack of deference being shown to her kind by the name and format of this Facebook page. Dogs are a lower form of life; they are unworthy of mention or recognition on social media and undeserving of the attentions of the UPS driver whose energies would be better spent obediently fulfilling the demands of the neighborhood felines in all their superiority.
So it is with great shame and humiliation that I take my leave of her, in the earnest hope that I shall be forgiven for my failures and be granted an opportunity to redeem myself by being of service to her the next time I have deliveries for the human support staff of her home.
By Scott Hodges

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